WELCOME TO THE HALFRICAN
What’s up, what’s happening, fam? I’m just going to go ahead and apologize for this post, because it’s not going to be fun, happy or inspiring. This post is to make myself think about my own life and where I’m headed, and maybe it will do the same for you.
Hap•py /’hapê/ (adjective) – Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
Feeling OR showing pleasure or contentment. I find those two words very different. How do we know when we are truly happy? How do we become happy, when we’re not? How do you show happy, without feeling it? Happy is a confusing term for me. I believe in happiness, but struggle to find it somedays. “Nick, you are always happy and in a good mood!” I don’t believe Nick ever gets sad or angry.” “It’s truly impossible for you to be upset, Nick.” WRONG. I get mad, I get frustrated, I get overwhelmed, I get embarrassed just like everyone else. I hide it well, because what’s the point in bringing someone else’s mood down with you, right?
Having a conversation with a good friend last night, and the topic about high school was brought up. I’m sitting here, still trying to process it. The words “I don’t miss high school, but I miss the simplicity of it all” came out of my mouth. If that’s not the most generic and cliche thing you’ve ever heard, then I don’t know what would be. I started thinking about who I was in high school, and what I stood for. I was the kid that talked himself through any and everything. I never drank or smoked, and I went to church every time the doors were open. Now I find myself in a blur most days. What happened last weekend? Couldn’t tell ya, probably just sat around the house, and watched TV? I’ve become lazy, and interdependent on other things making me happy. (Which most of the time doesn’t work anyway.)
I’ve been told before, “You seem different” or “It seems like you’ve changed.” Those two sentences can throw me into, basically, a black hole of sorts. I never know how to take that? Good change? Bad change? Should I spend forever trying to think about how they meant it? Should I not? It’s hard, because I look back and I think to myself like, yeah of course I changed. Everyone changes, it’s normal. I know I have changed, but I don’t know that I’m a better person for it. I sometimes think that I’m rude, or stand-offish, but I don’t mean to be. I try to go back sometimes to try and find who I was, but at the same time, I know that I’ve grown. The problem with changing, is that I don’t know that I’m okay with how I changed.
I’m going to be a Junior in college starting in two weeks, and that’s so unbelievably scary to me. If I didn’t have my friends, and the people I surround myself with, I wouldn’t know how to do some of my favorite things. I wouldn’t know how to go on roadtrips with Brooke and Kailey. I wouldn’t know how to have a bromance with my roommates. I wouldn’t know how to have a 30 second dance party with Haleigh? I wouldn’t know how to be a good parent, because of my grandparents and mom. I wouldn’t know how to live my life properly, because they make it the best. How do I find my happiness? Some me time, my family and friends, and a smile. Those things won’t make life perfect, but they help along your way.
I don’t want you all to think I’m depressed or something, because I’m not. Just trying to find my place in this world with everyone else. 🙂
If I can do it, you can do it.